OK, sorry...one of those "inspired by another blog title" posts. Please note it is humor and I do not mean to disparage the many noble homeless people out there. Ups: *All it takes to put that "sparkle" back in her eye is a bottle of mad dog *"Dinner and a movie" is as cheap as standing in line at the mission and watching the crackwhore fight with her pimp from the fire escape outside of apartment 3B. *Toofless women are great at fellatio; no obstacles *You don't have to worry about ...
As the 2004 presidential election nears, I can only hope that the 2000 election fiasco rears its ugly head again. Allow me to explain. After the results were inconclusive from the 2000 election, I took it upon myself to decide that, absent a president-elect, there should be an interim presidential elect. This person should: 1) Be a person who actually ran for president in some capacity 2) Be a person grossly unqualified for the office (so there would be no problem in stepping down when...
*You can give wrong directions if someone asks because you know they're never going to see you again *People believe any bit of trivia you tell them, no matter how inanely ridiculous *Pointing out "Stars" can distract someone you pissed off long enough for you to make your getaway ("Look! It's Ben Affleck!") *The junk you couldn't sell at last month's rummage sale can be recycled and passed off as trinkets once belonging to a major celebrity...at ten times the price *Tourists' autos are ...
I am a huge fan of the Darwin Awards, and pulled this little tidbit off their website: In Sheffield, England, in 2002, Kim Fontana, 32, and Paul Cowley, 40, decided the walk to their respective flats was a bit too long for them to fulfill their amorous intentions. So, they found a road outside the pub where the streetlight had gone out that provided the perfect cover of darkness. Despite three warnings -- one from a paramedic, one from a car driver, and another from a pedestrian, the co...
I am developing what I feel could be the next novel treatment for hypertension. I call it "flex therapy". It works along the same lines as causing your muscles to relax by contracting, then releasing. The premise is that you cause a person's blood pressure to shoot up sky high over and over again so that over time, the pressure tends to trend downward. I am advancing this theory using the following methods: *sending name and address on "I would like to know more about your faith" to all...
OK, folks, in the words of Dave Barry, I swear I am not making this up. Members of Devizes cricket club in Wiltshire, England were quite surprised when a rabbit burst out of a pile of rubbish they had been burning and bolted, aflame, into their equipment shed, lighting the shed on fire and destroying equipment worth 60,000 pounds ($110,000). Firefighters arrived on the scene to extinguish the blaze and found the rabbit's skeleton inside the destroyed shed. signing off, Gideon MacL...
This just in, folks: The International Olympic Committee has just announced that, beginning in the 2006 Winter Olympic Games, a new sport will be added which will become the first sport to be featured at both the summer and winter games. This will be the Olympic Whining competition. The need for such a medal was sparked in 2002, when Canada's pairs figure skating team successfully whined their way to Olympic gold in a sport whose scores are based on subjective judgements. It was reinfor...
Pigeon lovers in Britain think they have a way to keep the nation's growing population of peregrine falcons from making an after dinner snack of their prized pigeons. The groups are planning to spray their pigeons with a spray or feed them food to cause them to leave a bitter taste in the peregrines' beaks. While they acknowledge the proposed spray may affect the aerodynamics of their beloved birds, they feel there are few choices to stop the predatory falcons' raid on their pigeons. My...
Reset your homepages, ladies and gentlemen. No longer can you rely on CNN and MSNBC to relay the breaking news people really want to hear. Now, Joeuser is quickly taking the place of the news source of the completely informed. Today's earthshaking breaking news story, detailing John Kerry's father raping tendencies ( Link ) are only the latest in a long line of news stories that have broken right here on joeuser. On July 15, I was first to report Kerry's penchant for puppy mutilation ( Lin...
Ok, I think I have found a winner here. My newest, greatest reality show idea ever is a show called "Who Gets the Krispy Kremes?" The participants will be, among others, Michael Moore, Roger Ebert, Roseanne Barr and Rosie O'Donnell. The concept is this: each will be placed in front of preselected audiences and see who they can piss off the worst (examples, Michael Moore in front of the young Republicans, Rosie O'Donnell in front of the 700 Club studio audience). There will also be physi...
OK, I know people have tried this, but I'm not sure of their success. Maybe in my quest for employment, I could become a human ad. Having access to Vegas, I could spend my day walking up and down the strip with someone's corporate logo emblazoned on every piece of clothing that I have. I could walk up and down Fremont street after dark, hit the strip during the day, and even make myself prominently visible amidst any crowds that draw massive media attention (John Kerry IS speaking in Vegas...
Dear ladies and gents, I feel that as a newly converted Maxwellian peasant, I have the obligation to rise to the highest heights to which I as a lowly peasant may achieve. Therefore, I went on a journey to solve all of the world's problems, first and foremost those of the blogsite known as Joeuser. My quest first took me to a little known mountain in Tibet, where I was escorted to the summit by barefoot Tibetan monks walking upon rose petals placed there by enlightened eagles that showe...
I'm not quite 35 (until May), but it is stalking at my doorstep, and I was contemplating the advantages of 35, and thought I would post this before my feeble grey matter starts to deteriorate further. So, here's the list I came up with: --Outlived Jesus Christ, Alexander the Great, Chris Farley, John Belushi, Janis Joplib, Jimi Hendrix -- and accomplished much, much less. --365 days from being too old to enlist in the Army on a drunken bar bet --will officially be no more than 80 millio...
Yahoo's "Oddly enough" section has picked up on an offer of a "Lordship" for the Holidays in the article below. Well, I can't think of a batter gift for that special someone. Wouldn't mind a lordship myself. But, as I'm bent on the papacy, I'm thinking that whole church/state thing might come into play. Become a Lord for 29.99 Mon Dec 13,10:16 AM ET Oddly Enough - Reuters LONDON (Reuters) - The British aristocracy has long been an exclusive c...
Yet another gem courtesy of yahoo's "Oddly enough" section that bears commenting. The italicized text is copied below for your convenience, but the gist of it is that San Antonio strippers will have to carry stripping permits on their person while they are dancing. I have decided to apply my entreprenurial skills to this endeavour. I propose a line of "permit pasties" and g-strings with the permits embroidered on to meet the criteria of this law. However, as with many products, much market ...