Your Child Died? It's YOUR Fault!

Published on June 7, 2005 By Gideon MacLeish In Current Events

A recent article addressed the issue of the missing 18 year old in Aruba putting the blame squarely on the parents. While it is not certain whether the child is living or dead, the fact remains that the parents are going through a great deal of trauma, and that blaming them, even if it may be "technically" correct, is not the answer.

The fact was, and is, that the young lady is 18. In the United States, that translates into "legal adult". She did not need her parents' permission to go, and went to an island nation that is heavily reliant on tourism and has a reputation as a playground for the rich, giving her and her parents every reason to believe she was safe there.

In the loss of every child, technically, you COULD probably put the blame on the parents. When Elizabeth Smart was abducted from her own bedroom, you could argue that because the purchase of a better security system was well within the financial means of the parents, they bore the blame for her disappearance. When Jessica Lunsford disappeared, you could insist that the parents' failure to interrogate and perform background checks on their neighbor, a man with a history of sexual predation, were to blame for her disappearance. A child disappears on the way to school? The parents should have walked with the child every step of the way, depite the fact that they probably had to go to work to CARE FOR the needs of that child.

I have never lost a child, but I have known those few moments of fear as you search fruitlessly for your children in a large department store. I can easily project that panic onto a situation where your child simply DOESN'T return, and I can assure you that there are enough "what ifs" going through the mind of this young lady's parents at this time. The fault does NOT lie with them; if she was abducted, it lies with the abductors; if she was murdered, with the murderers. And if she chose to "fly away" to some romantic version of a life she envisioned, it lies with her. But it DOES NOT lie with the parents, and to write an article that claims it does is irresponsible and inaccurate.

Our sympathies should be with this family as the search continues for their child. And we shouls all hope and pray for the unlikely happy ending. But nowhere, no way should our thoughts EVER focus on blaming these parents for any wrongul action.

Comments

Draginol

on Jun 08, 2005

Depends who paid for the trip. A lot of 18 year olds are incredibly sheltered.

If she had a job, earned her own money and paid for her trip then her parents are off the hook in my book.

On the other hand, if she's never held a job and mom and dad sent her there, she may not have had the "worldliness" to handle such a trip at which point her parents have reaped what the sowed. It's still tragic, but perhaps other parents can learn from it.

bakerstreet

on Jun 09, 2005

"On the other hand, if she's never held a job and mom and dad sent her there, she may not have had the "worldliness" to handle such a trip at which point her parents have reaped what the sowed. It's still tragic, but perhaps other parents can learn from it."

I don't buy that. More people disappear from the vacinity of Disney World every year than have disappeared from Aruba EVER. If this had been a trip to Dollywood, I doubt many people would be making this kind of claim. Because it was to Aruba, though, people seem to think it is somehow more dangerous.

This was 100 highschool seniors, traveling with chaperones, in a nation that is safer by far than the average college town. These kids would have been in a college town a few months later, and had she disappeared from her dorm, again, no one would be faulting the parents.

I'm tired of people doing this. There was a guy here at JU that ranted to the heavens about Jessica Lunsford having 'unsupervised' access to a computer. Did her attacker find her on the internet? No. Was it ever proven that she DID have unsupervised access?

Again, no. Just talk. Did he come back and admit he was an ass... nope.

Blame the victims. Bad things can't happen to good people, they must have done something wrong. That way, none of us have to worry, it just happens to people who do less than we do. Whatever helps you to sleep.

Draginol

on Jun 09, 2005

Sorry but it doesn't matter whether they sent her to Aruba or Disney World, if the parents have had this girl leading an incredibly sheltered life and then send her off somewhere they're taking a bigger risk.

I live in an..area where a lot of the kids are incredibly pampered and shelthered. They aren't equipped with the common sense to (for example) know better than to go out at night into the bad part of town.

I don't know the details on this case whether that was what happened here. The point isn't that htey sent her to a dangerous place, but whether they sent her somewhere without having prepared her for being off on her own like that.

bakerstreet

on Jun 09, 2005

"if the parents have had this girl leading an incredibly sheltered life and then send her off somewhere they're taking a bigger risk."

Saying that in this case is no more meaningful than the twit who ranted about Jessica Lunsford's parents giving her unsupervised internet access. It is a very real slam on the parents based on an imagined fault. I know you are saying 'if' and all that, but no doubt any parent who loses a child has their minds full of ifs.

People get really mad about Ward Churchill calling 9-11 victims "Little Eichmanns", but honestly this kind of punditry isn't much better. It is still saying that the victim through everyday, common behavior is to blame for a heinous criminal act perpetrated on them.

I didn't intend to jump down your throat, Brad, but as a parent I think you can imagine how it must feel to sit there and wonder if you've done everything you should have when you drop your kid off somewhere. Be it day care, elementary school, a senior trip, or college, preparation has its limits.

Kids are falible at any age. I'm sure you know parents that are paralyzed in fear that they haven't done everything possible. Do you think we should punish people for not being endlessly neurotic about their kids?

If she went willingly with strangers, she made a mistake. A mistake that many, many adults make as well all the time. When someone is 40, do you blame the parents when they leave a bar with someone they just met? You can't pretend it doesn't happen all the time. Are the parents to blame?

just john

on Jun 10, 2005

I think the central part of the debate is if the parents have any responsibility to ensure the safety of their child. Yeah, I know in the eyes of the law she is an adult. A parent can say no and refuse to pay for it, couldn't they? I feel very sorry for the difficult situation her parents are in.

Have you looked at the travel sites that advertise these trips? They all show pictures of the big party. I saw pictures of keg stands and people who looked very intoxicated. Since your argument is that the parents have no responsibility for this girl and her actions, who has liability for them? This was a school sponsored trip (I use that loosely because the chaperones were there only for emergencies). The school made themselves liable for the possibility of these kids doing something stupid. One website I visited said the drinking age in Aruba is 18, but it is rarely enforced. So what is the difference when a 17 year old goes on one of these trips? They will be going off to college in a couple of months just like their 18 year old counterparts. They aren't excluded form the binge drinking and heavy partying. Does same couple of months that they will be off at college make any difference when they are still 17?

enigmagnetic

on Jun 10, 2005

A lot of 18 year olds are incredibly sheltered.

Yeah and that's cool because those are the ones that become strippers.

bakerstreet

on Jun 10, 2005

"Yeah and that's cool because those are the ones that become strippers."

That's pretty much the level of all the comments I have seen you leave today. Sometimes if you can't think of something to say, saying nothing is better.

bakerstreet

on Jun 10, 2005

" think the central part of the debate is if the parents have any responsibility to ensure the safety of their child."

Nail on the head. Parents have a responsibility to their child. This was an 18 year old, so no child involved.

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