My suggestion for the Next Pope

Published on April 8, 2005 By Gideon MacLeish In Religion

Well, the pope's gone,and the cardinals will meet next week to determine the next pope. I have come to grips with the fact that I won't be selected, but after much soul searching, I decided to endorse who I consider to be an equally qualified candidate.

He is a longtime priest and spiritual advisor, and is almost singlehandedly responsible for the surging success of bocce ball in the United States:

Comments

Myrrander

on Apr 08, 2005

What about one of these guys?

dwhit110

on Apr 08, 2005

I've got some takes surronding this whole Pope thing on my blog. You should really check out my 10 second clip celebrating his life. Greatest flash creation EVER.
apeisland.blogspot.com/2005/04/pope-dies.html

Dr Guy

on Apr 08, 2005

Fr. Guido Sarducci! I miss him from the old SNL.

Carl

on Apr 08, 2005

Sarducci would be the only choice in an ideal world.

ParaTed2k

on Apr 08, 2005

"Piece of cake... Piece of Crumb Cake!" ~ Father Guido Sarducci's Pope Acceptance Speech! ;~D

kingbee

on Apr 08, 2005

i'm offering the following for consideration by the college of cardinals (which i believe is in st louis...also i'm pretty sure this is legit genuine don novello...the whole thing can be found here Link )

father guido's kiddie porn faq

I. WHO SHOULD I WRITE TO AND WHAT SHOULD I SAY?:

Father Guido's Rule #3: If it isn't fixed, don't break it!

What do I mean by Rule #3? Basically, we're doing pretty darn good right now. There's no reason to get our pantyhose all in a bunch and make fools of ourselves by writing hysterical letters to our congressmen and congresswomen. A well thought-out, REASONABLE letter is 100 times better than a weepy, babbling, paranoid "nut- case" letter, like we are often wont to send. I should know; I've written thousands of them. Don't get me wrong. I understand that this is an EMOTIONAL issue. Being REASONABLE and LOGICAL has nothing to do with religion and GOD, as we all know. But writing an articulate, mature letter will get you farther than you ever imagined!

The following is an excellent example. It's a letter I recently sent to President Clinton about KIDDIE-PORN. Feel free to change the names and use it for your own!

President Bill Clinton The White House Washington, DC

Dear President Bill:

Greetings! May the Lord bless you and keep you! May the Lord make His face to shine upon you and be gracious unto you! May the Lord lift up His countenance upon you, and grant you Peace!

1. I AM SICK OF KIDDIE-PORN!!!!!!!!!!!

2. I am NOT a weirdo, so don't trash-can my letter!

3. I didn't vote for you, you egg-sucking, liberal, protestant, commie, gay-loving, left-wing, scaley-scrotumed democrat!

There, now that we know where we both stand, allow me to introduce myself. I am **your name here** . Please use your offices to help put a stop to one of the great scourges of modern times: KIDDIE-PORN!

If NEWT GINGRICH were president, SEX would be outlawed!! Get a clue, you dingleberry. It's time to grow up stop with all the '60s, flowerchild, new-age crap!

Yours in Christ,

Father Guido Sarducci, SJ

P.S. Can I have an autographed picture, please?

P.S.S. How's Hillary? What a babe!!

As you can see, being REASONABLE and MATURE creates an
impression that one actually knows what one is talking about.
Trust me: we NEED such an impression. So get those pens out and
fire up that e-mail!

II. CAN I MAKE A CITIZEN'S ARREST?:

Father Guido's Rule #4: It's better if 1,000 innocent people rot in jail than to allow one KIDDIE-PORNER to go free!!

Absolutely, you can make a citizen's arrest! I carry two sets of handcuffs with me at all times. I'm not sure where the best place is to buy them, but I got mine at a somewhat disreputable establishment in Times Square that sold things called "Bondage and Discipline paraphanelia." In the name of stopping KIDDIE-PORN, one is often forced to visit places and look at things one normally would avoid. I now go there weekly (in the name of stopping KIDDIE-PORN, of course!)....and they've given me many leads for new sources of KIDDIE-PORN.

I've arrested literally thousands of people. And, the Lord willing, one day I will actually get a conviction!!! The point is NEVER STOP ARRESTING PEOPLE! The more people arrested, the less KIDDIE-PORN! The less people arrested, the more KIDDIE-PORN! Simple, isn't it? I also think everyone in the Entertainment Industry should be arrested on general principles. I once tried to arrest Barry Manilow, but it turned out to be an imposter. Boy, was *I* embarrassed! (I **LOVE** his music!!!!) I know what you're thinking: Who would stoop so low as to impersonate Barry Manilow? The answer: a LIBERAL DEMOCRAT\KIDDIE-PORNER!

I will continue Part II of _KIDDIE-PORN The FAQ_ tomorrow.

"Yea, though we walk through the valley of the shadow of socialized medicine, we will fear no evil, for NEWT is with us!" --Psalms, something or other...

Yours in Christ,

Father Guido Sarducci, SJ

P. S. For all of those sending binaries to my email address, who want me to tell them if it's KIDDIE-PORN or not, please stop. Use this rule of thumb: if you're not sure, then it's KIDDIE-PORN! Thanks!

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