The journey from there to here

I have struggled to fight off hyper obesity most of my adult life. Until I was 18, I was fairly fit, but a year's incarceration began a general 15 year upward trend in my weight. The last two years, I have been successfully working downward, with some pitfalls.

To those without eating disorders, it always seems simple. While, for most of us (myself included) it's a matter of control, that control isn't as easy to obtain for some as for others. For me, the reasons I overate were psychological. Though I still tend to "binge", I've identified my barriers to weight loss for the most part and eliminated them.

I am a long way removed from the compulsive overeater that was headed for an early grave. I can tell stories about being a food junkie that can rival anything a heroin junkie could throw at me. Things like going to three or four fast food restaurants so that my ungoldy large order wouldn't attract attention; eating a large buffet meal before going to friends' houses for dinner so that I wouldn't eat so much as to draw attention to my problem; the list goes on. Most shamefully, I used to look for "unpicked" food items on plates that came back when I worked as a dishwasher, and eat them. Basically, the same pattern as any drug junkie, only food was my addiction.

The beginning of success in my battle against weight came when I identified external sources as being catalysts to my overeating. As much as I love my dad, he's poison to me. He looked for every excuse over the years to reject me and to hate me (as a minister,he repeatedly used the verse "Jacob have I love, but Esau have I hated" to justify his fondness for my older brother and his utter contempt for me). We had our last conversation almost two years ago, when I was struck with the realization that no matter how hard I tried, gaining his acceptance was utterly impossible. I said goodbye and have not spoken with him since.

There are times I would dearly love to pick up the phone and call him.Being only three hours away from him, I'd love to drive over to see not only him, but my siblings. But I know that at this stage in my recovery, a phone call or a trip would be disastrous. I am slowly gaining, for the first time in my life,a firm sense of self and a strong self perception. I probably won't ever reach my ideal, but I'm closer now than I ever have been.

Back to topic, though. If you're one inclined to urge someone to "just put the fork down",think twice. Often the answer isn't as easy as you think, and the aforementioned statement could be the WORST thing you could possibly say.


Comments
on Apr 01, 2005

"just put the fork down",

But Iiiiii Cannnnt!  I muuuusssst go into the liiiiight!

Besides, it is not my fault!  It is MacDonalds!  Liberals told me so and they would not lie.

on Apr 02, 2005
This was a very touching article, Gideon. I am amazed at your strength and wisdom in dealing with the tragedies in your life. Best wishes, and I'll share in Sabrina's hug for you as well.

Excellent article.