Angry With Myself

Published on September 6, 2004 By Gideon MacLeish In Misc

Right now, as I'm headed into my third week of unemployment (unprecedented for me), I can't help but feel a little angry with myself.

In a time that seems so long ago, I was a good scholar. My 3.2 grade level belied the fact that I was capable of far much more. And both I and my teachers knew it. Then, following high school, I hit the skids. I was DQ'ed in my attempt to join the army to pay my way through college, and that was an absolutely crushing blow to my ego (being rejected by the Army is considered by many people to be pretty pathetic). It led to a summer that was just a continual downward spiral and my incarceration. But I persevered through that, and took a couple of years of college. I got derailed from that by what I would learn later is basically a pretty potent combination of attention deficit disorder and a horrid social phobia that pops up and absolutely cripples me from time to time. While both are potentially treatable, I have seen the effect that medications for similar conditions have done to my dad (he's 58 years old, and basically the side effects of the meds have left him with symptoms that are usually more associated with advanced Alzheimer's...pretty much nobody can stand being around him anymore), and, frankly, they horrify me.

I think about what could have been, what should have been, and the "potential" I had when I was younger, and I'm quite frustrated with what I've become. While it's true that it's only in my power to change it, that's pretty hard to do when the more pressing need to care for your family takes priority over pursuing your dreams.

By the way, these aren't excuses, this is just your average everyday rant.

signing off,

Gideon MacLeish

Comments

M-Post

on Sep 06, 2004

Keep your head up man. I know the feeling of not having a job for a good while and know about getting angry with yourself. Just keep trying and keep looking and eventually something will come through

The Crusaders

on Sep 06, 2004

Gideon,
You come across to me as a very decent, caring person and I don't think you should judge yourself too harshly.....We can all have very high standards and aspirations for ourselves....so give yourself a bit of space on the subject of succeeding in life .... and enjoy what you have.
The most valuable thing in the world is the love and life your family brings.....and you sound like your family is important...so focus only on them for a while.....I know you are worried about providing for them ...but...well..................I'm sorry Gideon, I wish I could say or do something that would make everything fall into place for you. All I can do is give you all my hope and wishes of happiness for you and your family....

Muggaz

on Sep 06, 2004

The fact that you want a job proves will no doubt find what you are looking for...

Sometimes things have a tendancy to find us, just remain positive

BAM!!!

Manopeace

on Sep 06, 2004

Its OK to rant...just don't give up and get in a rut!

olikara

on Sep 06, 2004

Its OK to rant...just don't give up and get in a rut!

Well said manopeace.

Something else...Gideon: Whay don't you pursue your degree now i.e. after you get your job which will God Willing happen soon.,
Does the US have universities that teach through correspondence or evening classes? Are they as expensive as the regular courses. I am sure this will help you later.

my scabbed wings

on Sep 06, 2004

It definitely is a bad feeling to receive unemployment. My salary supported my whole family when I got laid off last year and I felt like dirt every time I cashed a check for 2 months. Like mentioned earlier, At least you want a job. I just don't get all the people at the center, when I was there with placement cousulers, how many peolpe were there to just get money and leave. Something will come your way if you are looking and keep up your spirits. Losing a job can be an opportunity, not necessarily the death of the rainbow.

Melinda Stanners

on Sep 09, 2004

I heard story a little similar to yours just last week. Timothy Davis was a minister at a conservative church, and lost his job, being excommunicated from that denomination. He still had a business, but had taken on a partner to run things. The partner changed the contracts and basically stole everything out from under him, including his car. His wife had just brought their new baby home from the hospital. He wanted to sue, but God told him that he didn't want him to (the biblical passage referring to not suing your brother apparently still holds true in those situations). Out of obedience, he didn't, and God blessed him richly.

Now, I read that you were a minister, is that correct? If not, what follows may not be relevant to you. Particularly as I do not know the details of your situation other than your posts of the last three days.

He found that it was during this time of having nothing, of living in a tiny apartment and having no prospects, that he learned to become more reliant on God, and to separate his love for him from the gifts that God had given him. We so often interpret God's love or lack of favour through the things that happen to us, but this is a fallen world where bad things happen. That's just the way it is here. Having more or less doesn't mean he loves you any more or any less. It doesn't mean that he's angry, and doesn't necessarily mean that you've done something wrong when bad things happen.

This is a good opportunity for you to draw closer to him. When Timothy Davis did, and learned to separate the gifts of God from the love of God, his ministry became incredibly blessed, and things have just boomed for him since then.

Anyway, keep looking for work and rely on God for your provision. I know it isn't easy, but try to treat this as an opportunity to spend time with God and with your family.

Oh, and if I got it wrong about you being religious, I apologise for the confusion. You could always try praying anyway.

Welcome Guest! Please take the time to register with us.
There are many great features available to you once you register, including:

Richer content, access to many features that are disabled for guests like commenting on the forums.
Access to a great community, with a massive database of many, many areas of interest.
Access to contests & subscription offers like exclusive emails.
It's simple, and FREE!