One of the greatest laments in my life have always been the people I cannot reach. I want to be a true minister, to somehow reach out and heal (spiritually, at least) the depressed, the downtrodden, the despairing...
There are times when I feel like an absolute failure, however. Case in point, my mother, who has had a truly horrible life that noone could envy (as a child, one of the substantiated stories was of her father getting angry over a dress she wore and ripping the dress off of her, forcing her to walk home). She had five marriages, five children, two of them deceased (one of abuse, another of suicide resulting from years of abuse), and another two that will have nothing to do with herm and the remaining child, me, she will have nothing to do with. By all appearances, she has brought much of this on herself, but appearances don't take into account what it's like to be a person who was raised and has lived perpetually in a climate of hate to truly understand and live a life of love.
My mother is only one example. I think of the angry neighbor who had only insults and anger to hurl at everyone he came across; watching his life go to hell was painful. I think of my father as well, a man who preached a gospel of love but never "got it"; and of the people who willingly and wantonly hurt another. I feel utterly helpless in the face of all this, and the desire to heal burns deeply inside of me. If I could leave no other legacy, I'd like to leave a legacy as a healer.
I think of the fact that every woman I've known well enough to share these things has been the victim of some sort of sexual abuse, and the anger and hurt I've seen bred from that. It's a pain that I want to reach, want to heal, but I don't know how. I only know of my inadequacy.
Yes, there are many days when I feel that I am a complete and utter failure in trying to bring an end to the circle of hate. And then I look at my four girls, and their beautiful hearts, and know I've done SOMETHING.
signing off,
Gideon MacLeish