Dear Mr. President,

I am writing you because of the current economic conditions. You can read in any paper and see the foreclosures of several families' homes, and the dire economic circumstances that haunt us all. I am writing you because I need help.

You see, my meager salary is not enough to pay my rent, and I figured if the government can help bail out citizens of Louisiana to replace their belongings because they would not evacuate the city when ordered, the government must bear some responsibility for my condition as well. After all, it's not my fault I didn't finish college the first time around and had to wait until mid life to do so. Clearly, personal responsibility is the government's fault not mine.

The minimum wage increase has also hit me, as landlords have adjusted rents to the increased income, and because I make more than minimum, I didn't get a raise. This means my dollar is worth less adjusted for inflation.

The cost of alcohol and cigarettes is rising, and it is my patriotic duty to consume these items, as there are sick kids out there dependent on my tax revenue. And where would the schools be without the $50 worth of lottery tickets I bought this week. These things are necessities, obviously, and it is all I can do with my meager salary to buy them, pay my cell phone and cable bill, and make the car payment on the new car I financed at 25% APR at the same time. This is where you come in.

As you know, many Americans are now demanding that you pay their mortgage payments. I feel this is a form of discrimination against those of us not fortunate to own a home, and that rent payments should be included as well. I mean, we are people, too, and we pay taxes.

Because I know you are an extremely busy man, what with running the country and all, a personal check would suffice. I am sending you rental and utility receipts for the past year, and am asking that you make the check for that amount plus 10% to cover the cost of inflation. By the way, I also included Mom's bingo budget in the request, as I know you are a kind hearted individual and would agree that she should not have to pay for that either.

Well, I thank you for your time and troubles, but I will leave you now and wait for the check. The cowboys just scored.

Sincerely,

A concerned taxpayer.