(Note: this is a bit of a diary piece. I have a lot of crap running through my head right now, and I need to filter it somehow)

In the highways in the hedges
In the highways in the hedges
In the highways in the hedges
I'll be somewhere a workin for my Lord
                               (The Carter Family, In the Highways)

For so many years as a Christian, I was afraid to leave the fellowship of the church. I wanted to be obedient, wanted to be the kind of person God wanted me to be. Over the years I've gradually come to understand and accept that the role God has for me is OUTSIDE of the traditional church walls, where the so called "evangelicals" fear to tread.

A few years back I took on the label of "misfit Christian", because that's exactly how I feel. A misfit, an outcast, in a faith that increasingly doesn't fit me very well in its contemporary practice. And the more I've been open to the role God has for me, the more I've seen His hand on the direction of my life.

I see it in the young lady ostracized by her Mormon faith because she moved in with her boyfriend. Because I grew up in the faith, and because I don't label her faith as most of the churches in the area are prone to do, I have been able to be an influence.

I see it in the young lady who embraced the Wiccan faith some years back, and is going through a very messy divorce with her common law husband, and who would never consider turning to the church as a comfort in her time of trouble.

I see it in the young couple going through the heartbreak of the loss of their very young baby. Although they grew up in the church, they've gone far from it, and the pain they are going through isn't something that can be smoothed over with simple platitudes and bumper sticker theology.

Although I'm beginning to understand the nature of the ministry God has for me, I still don't understand exactly WHY. All I know is that I want to be there for God to use. And I know that these people need to see the love of God, not the pain of hate and judgment. And I don't have any clue why this is not a ministry in which I have found many companions.

In the 19 years I've been a Christian, I've never ever been at rest. Never had a place that I could call home. A few years back, after a friend passed away it occurred to me that maybe that's the way a Christian is supposed to feel, like we're not yet home. But I'm not sure if I believe that entirely, because I haven't found a lot of Christians who feel that way, or at least who will admit to those kinds of feelings.

Tomorrow morning, I'll be attending the funeral of the infant, and I feel completely helpless and powerless. I hope, I pray that somehow through all of this, the young couple will grow closer to God, and to each other, but I don't know what will happen. I only hope I can somehow reach them in a meaningful way.

And so I'll continue on in the highways and the hedges. But I have no earthly idea where I'm headed.