OK, so the Vick statement's out now. Those who wish can read it on Yahoo! Sports.

I read through the statement and I am now more pissed at Vick than ever. The guy's obviously got a PR agent restructuring his "comeback" before he's paid his dues.

Why do I say that? Well, I'll excerpt his statement here and SHOW you why:

"For most of my life, I've been a football player, not a public speaker, so, you know, I really don't know, you know, how to say what I really want to say.  --This aw-shucks "I'm not good at speechifying" approach is a pretty thinly veiled attempt to make what follows look heartfelt, and to defuse criticism by premptively countering challenges made by opponents. It's slick, a little TOO slick for someone who's really not good with words.

So, you know, I take this opportunity just to speak from the heart. Cue the fiddles. Mike Vick is your friend. Mike Vick wants to "connect". --Wait, screw the fiddles. Cue Dr. Phil here!

First, I want to apologize, you know, for all the things that -- that I've done and that I have allowed to happen. I want to personally apologize to... --Ahhh, yes. We couldn't see THAT coming. Obligatory apology to everyone in the NFL. Not planning a comeback after a little Bubba time, are we Mikey?

I want to apologize to all the young kids out there for my immature acts and, you know, what I did was, what I did was very immature so that means I need to grow up. --Got the "role model" objections covered. Hey, Mikey. Might wanna add Lindsay Lohan to your visitor's list. She could use your publicist, and who knows, you just might get a conjugal

I totally ask for forgiveness and understanding as I move forward to bettering Michael Vick the person, not the football player. --Would be easier to accept those words if they weren't a close parody of Roger Goodell's words of a few scant weeks ago.

I take full responsibility for my actions. For one second will I sit right here -- not for one second will I sit right here and point the finger and try to blame anybody else for my actions or what I've done. --Ahh, yes. NOW. AFTER your posse done rolled on ya!

Dog fighting is a terrible thing, and I did reject it. --Nice. Eleven WHOLE words about dogfighting, Mike. Glad you didn't accidentally forget THIS sentence. Dogfighting "terrible"? Hmm, I'm sure a sports star like yourself could come up with better adjectives than THAT! Tell ya what! Let's turn you over to the most vicious gang of prison rapists and see what kind of adjectives you can come up with when they're done with ya. I'm betting you can get a bit more descriptive than "terrible"!

I'm upset with myself, and, you know, through this situation I found Jesus and asked him for forgiveness and turned my life over to God. And I think that's the right thing to do as of right now. --Screw Dr. Phil. Call the 700 Club. It's not like any of us saw THAT one coming a mile away. Might want to let your publicist know, though, that most celebs actually let a little time lapse before pulling the penitent schtick.

Like I said, for this -- for this entire situation I never pointed the finger at anybody else, I accepted responsibility for my actions of what I did and now I have to pay the consequences for it. --wanna admit to being a pathological liar now or should I cull one of the billion or so quotes where you passed the buck to others, buddy boy?

I left out a few sentences, of course, but this statement follows the general script: general apology, admit to no specifics, toss out a few choice phrases that you know the public wants to hear, and, OH YES! Find Jesus!

You're making it awfully hard for folks to see you as a sympathetic figure, Mikey!