(Disclaimer for the humour impaired: While the following may be sharp, it is nonetheless a satire, not intended to be taken seriously by anyone.)
A splinter Baptist Group has now decided that Compassion is not a Godly trait, and are at work retranslating the Bible to prove their case.
The Baptist United Ministries voted 453-2 in their annual convention to combat the teaching that compassion, love, and kindness are Godly traits, and instead emphasize more heavily on the carnal sins, which, they say, Christ really meant anyway.
"Jesus really wasn't as much into the 'Love your neighbor' thing as the modern sissified church would have you believe", Rev. Fred Feildermouse, Pastor Emeritus of the First Baptist Church of West Brunswick, "Christ was far more concerned with activities like drinking, fornicating, and homosexuality. Most of the verses that speak of love, kindness and compassion are either apocryphal or deliberate mistranslations. We have reason to believe the entire 13th chapter of 1st Corinthians was written by a third Century AD scribe named Oscar."
Feildermouse says that the B.U.M. will concentrate on ferreting out the "serious sins", which, he says, include rock music, movies, and Braum's ice cream. Feildermouse, whose church believes that Jack Black is the AntiChrist, and that Eddie Vedder, Chris Robinson, Billy Corgan and Ozzy Osborne are the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, has previously launched virulent hate mail campaigns against the city council for its promotion of an upcoming Tori Amos concert.
"A lot of people have misunderstandings about the Bible", Feildermouse continues, "and the number of denominations proves that. But what really concerns me is that people have been misguided by pastors into thinking that 'love and compassion' are admirable, even Godly traits, when they are clearly works of the devil. I mean, look around. People who go to church aren't nice to you. People who go to bars are. That alone should tell you that people who "love one another" are workers of iniquity!"
Feildermouse says that his congregation has been hard at work preparing a new translation of the Bible, "Oh, we're not changing anything", he insists, "we're just correcting the Bible from a bunch of errors made by milquetoast effeminate scribes. The Bible as it stands is the Word of God. It's just that when the church allows scribes in who touch alcohol or lustily chase after worldly things, those elements will ultimately compromise the integrity of the piece. It's the church's fault, not God's". Feildermouse's translation will omit sveveral key sayings attributed to Jesus, and look for possible explanations that better explain the church's purpose. When Paul talks about the Fruits of the Spirit, for instance, Feildermouse's translation refers to them as fruits of the SPIRITS, and they are seen as a continuation of the things that Paul is listing as abominable traits.
"It's really not about me", Feildermouse explains, "It's about God. Does Goid want to be represented by a bunch of Kumbayah singing hippies in paisley shirts singing on a hillside? Think about it. Do you really think a God who was mighty enough top slay Sodom and Gommorah has time for a bunch of pantywaists talking about "Peace and Love"? It's time to wake up, folks. God destroyed the world with flood once. If we keep trying to be nice to each other, He may have something FAR WORSE in store for us! Just remember: I warned you!"