I hate the RIAA as a general rule. But it has come to my attention that the RIAA serves a valid purpose, one that it is not generally filling. This article is a plea for officials from the RIAA to step in and police in an area where they are badly needed.

See, if the RIAA is going to protect a copyright, it should also work to protect the integrity of the piece. As an art museum would protect an artist's work from defacement, the RIAA should protect the work of its artists. There are some songs that are iconic, some songs that are difficult and beyond the range of most normal people, and some songs that should never ever see the light of day again.

And so, I propose the RIAA have a select list of songs for which one must have a license to perform in a karaoke, wedding, or other public setting. They can only obtain their license by performing the piece in its entirety in front of a panel of music critics who will grade the work. If they perform without a license, they will be subject to having the entire musical works of William Shatner, William Hung, and Leonard Nimoy downloaded to an iPod which will be hung around their neck like the albatross of Coleridge's fame. The iPod will be programmed to a "Read only" state, and the entire collection of songs will be set to play on a continuous loop. It will be electronically programmed to notify the RIAA if it is separated from its wearer, or when the iPod breaks down, at which time a replacement will be issued.

Here is my short list of songs that should make the RIAA's "license only" or "banned" list, along with a few comments on each:

1. "Don't Cha" by the Pussycat Dolls. In this instance, the performer must actually be hot enough to make the audience envious. Sorry, but there's a weight limit on this one; while overweight women can certainly be attractive, I think the word "hot" begins phasing out as a description somewhere in the teen dress sizes.

2. "My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion. Too bad this song didn't have all recorded copies stored in the hull of the Titanic.

3. "I'm Too Sexy". Like #1, the people I've heard singing it, usually aren't.

4. "I Will Always Love You" by Whitney Houston (or Dolly Parton). It's a scientific fact that one must ingest mass quantities of crack (or have rather large boobies) to even THINK about hitting the high notes on this one, so give it up, and, uh, spare us.

5. "Stairway to Heaven". I've heard a few versions sung that have made me WEEP.

6. Anything by Barry Manilow. This man should make the "Banned Karaoke songs" hall of fame

7. "Candle in the Wind" (either version, but especially the Princess Di one). This was Marilyn's song, so the Princess Di one should die a slow, miserable death. As for the original, please leave it alone. Please.

8. "Sweet Home Alabama". Nothing can make one's sympathies turn towards Neil Young faster than a butchery of this Skynyrd classic.

9. Anything by Nirvana. Now I know why Kurt REALLY committed suicide. He heard the same karaoke version of "Smells Like Teen Spirit" that I did.

10. Anything by the Spice Girls. Do I HAVE to elaborate here?

11. "Under Pressure" by David Bowie/Freddy Mercury. The HORRIBLE "American Idol" audition convinced me that this HAD to be included.

12. Anything by Prince. You just don't have the range.

So, feel free to add your own. I will.