Nothing Good Comes Easy.

Published on November 27, 2006 By Gideon MacLeish In Current Events

This will be one of the more personal blog articles I've written in awhile. So, if you're wanting to pollute it, please don't.

The truth is, as I've written about our current round against the town, I've left out an important detail. I did it because it's a detail that I frankly do not want to face.

See, over the past couple years I've not been well. I know it. I'm a little more in tune to my body than most, and, well, my ticker's not functioning the way it ought to. It's been the last six months or so that it's become apparent. In fact, I had a very real scare back in October...I had good reason to believe I was having a heart attack...after checking my vitals, though, I found, to some relief, it was just severe exhaustion.

Should I get on medical assistance and deal with it? Possibly, but I know from others who've tried it's not easy to find a doctor when you're on state medical assistance. And I can tell you from personal experience that the care you get is substandard. Not to mention, I'm tagged with the words "preexisting condition" that will haunt me the rest of my days.

That's not to say I haven't been considering it. I have. But the truth is, the drain on my time doesn't leave me with much time to care for myself. Now there's more getting stuff in order to defend ourself against this latest round of allegations, finding some way to get rid of the junk the city won't haul off, yet still feels compelled to fine me for, and, to make things even more fun, dealing with a car that's sitting by the side of the road.

The word "overwhelmed" doesn't even begin to cover it.

The thing is, I'm strongly weighing what "fighting city hall" will do to me physically. It's already made me an emotional wreck, and I'm not being overly dramatic when I say I'm not sure how much fight I can survive.

That is the chief reason why I blog all of this. I can't go to the church; they've already stabbed me in the back enough. I can only go to my wife with so much; she's carrying enough on her shoulders without my giving her reason for more worry. And I don't have family to go through this with me. It's literally me against the world.

I'm sorry to say that there have been times lately where I've felt like giving up completely. Part of me has wondered if I couldn't take all of this off my wife's shoulders by disappearing and sending a check every time I get paid, because it is, after all, ME that the people in this town hate...not my wife, not my kids. I know better, of course, but I can't help agonizing over the fact that my decision not to conform has cost my FAMILY so much...I'm willing to pay any price there is, but I've burdened my family with much more than they deserve.

I've always said nothing good comes easy...I truly hope that all of this agony has a payoff somewhere.

Comments

Tova7

on Nov 27, 2006

Heart problems are fairly serious Gid. IMO you owe it to your family to do everything you can to make sure you stay healthy. If you don't, then there is always the chance you will be leaving your family and NOT sending a check. Where would they be then?

I'm willing to pay any price there is, but I've burdened my family with much more than they deserve.

I agree. The thing is Gid, just about everyone I know in the military gets to this point. We've been in over twenty years so we often see men who hit twenty and can retire say exactly this same thing. Yeah, they want to serve the greater good and have for years. But then they decide their family has paid enough.

There is no shame imho.

Good luck with everything and if there is anything I can do let me know.

Gideon MacLeish

on Nov 27, 2006

Heart problems are fairly serious Gid. IMO you owe it to your family to do everything you can to make sure you stay healthy

I'm doing the best I can right now, but my insurance hasn't kicked in from work. Meanwhile, I'm watching what I eat and everything VERY closely...and doing pretty good until the constant stress from THIS crud hits.

What sucks, though, is that the things we have suffered FROM THE CHURCH have been because we simply tried to follow God's word. Literally, all of this is because we tried to house the homeless and give water to the thirsty...the trouble is, I can't do any different in that regard, because I'm FAR more concerned about what God thinks than what these people do.

Locamama

on Nov 27, 2006

It is really hard to have to deal with those CPS allegations. I honestly thought it was something that would never happen to me and it was a shock when I found myself there. I don't think people can understand how traumatic it is to find yourself in that position of having to defend yourself when you've done nothing wrong and worrying that maybe somehow you could lose your kids because of it.

Just take a deep breath and take it day by day. I know it can be hard but your family needs your presence more than they need you to send a check every month.

As for your health, take care of yourself. Yes, you probably will not get the greatest care but there are so many things that early detection makes a huge difference with. Try to find a way to get some kind of medical care. I really don't know which way to point you but I'm sure there is somewhere that will see you even if you don't have insurance. But don't give up. Probably a huge part of your health problems is all the stress you've been living under.

Hang in there. Maybe today will be the day it all starts turning around for you.

Gideon MacLeish

on Nov 27, 2006

I don't think people can understand how traumatic it is to find yourself in that position of having to defend yourself when you've done nothing wrong and worrying that maybe somehow you could lose your kids because of it.

Actually, THESE people DO understand it. That's precisely why they are doing what they're doing.

They said a year and a half ago they'd run us out of town. Looks like they're mighty close to making good on their threat.

Trudygolightly

on Nov 27, 2006

Gid, I'll say prayers for you and whatever choices you make.

Dr Guy

on Nov 27, 2006

Take care of yourself Gid. If you dont, you wont be able to care for your family. Best of luck, and god bless you.

Gideon MacLeish

on Nov 27, 2006

Gid, please read my response on your thread about taking care of your own family vs taking care of others. It applies.

Don't be a martyr for the 'cause' if that's gonna leave your kids fatherless. You owe it to them, to your wife, to your God, and yourself to take better care of you.

You're right, of course, LW. But, see, I have this thing. If you show up at my door and ask for water, I don't feel like I can turn you away. I believe it is my duty to help if I am able.

That's the main reason we're considering moving from this town. If I would have shut up and refused to help others, they would have left me alone. Odd, isn't it, that I'm being driven out for PRACTICING the faith I profess, by others who profess the same faith?

Xythe

on Nov 27, 2006

Gideon-

I dont have any advice to offer, because you already know the answers to your own dilemas. I can only let you know my prayers are with you and yours, and things for folks like us always turn out well...one way or another.

In answer to your thesis, I believe George Harrison said it best: You gotta pay your dues if you wanna play the blues, and you know it don't come easy.

Look after your health bro, nobody else will do it for you. You have much to do yet in this life, it's not over yet

Xythe

on Nov 27, 2006

Odd, isn't it, that I'm being driven out for PRACTICING the faith I profess, by others who profess the same faith?

Not all that odd, after all, many have been castigated and/or martyred for the same, and Jesus has told us to expect this. You cant change who you are in this respect, and again, I refer you to George Harrison.

lostintexas

on Nov 27, 2006

Gideon my family's prayers are with you! It sucks to be treated the way they are treating you. Please take care of your self. Your family needs you.

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