As Bush and Company are working hard to convince us that the bird flu pandemic could wipe out much of North America, I have decided, for once, not to dismiss it as hype, not to consider that this may be an artrificially induced hysteria and write it off with the laughable projections of other doomsayers. Instead, I will be proactive, refusing to be a victim.

As a patriot, I will treat the bird flu pandemic as I would any other invader. I will begin killing each and every bird I see, in an attempt to eradicate the threat from my area. Think globally, act locally, right? I will amass an arsenal of weapons designed to bring every flighted bird down from the sky with extreme prejudice...and, in certain cases, to my dinner table. The rule is simple: if it flies, it dies (better stay at cruising altitude with your Cessnas, buddies).

I figure that if I can muster about 100 activists in every major city, we can rid the United States of the bird flu threat forever within 12 months (we will need time to wait out some of those bastards that held up in Tijuana for an extra month or so). With our country safe, we will be able to rest easy, and eat beef as nature intended.

Those of you who cannot join in the fight are free to contribute to our defense fund.