It's the dawning of a new day. Apparently, some 30 people in Nigeria have all selected me to move their money to America via my bank account! What an honor!

Along with the various offers for viagra and numerous marriage proposals (related? Naaaah, I'd figure a woman would be looking for a mate who DIDN'T need chemical assistance to perform), are the multiple emails written in Cyrillic characters. I have no idea what they say, but if the person had to send it off so quickly they couldn't bother using translation software to put it in English, it must be pretty durn important! Come to think of it, I must be nearing the status of a world leader, because the number of emails in my inbox is gradually nearing the world's population. These MUST all be unique emails, seeking my indispensable advice.

And now Congress is going to tax the Internet. I MUST get this important information to all my friends and family, so if you would oblige by leaving your email addresses in the response column, I will get the email to you as quickly as possible. It also wouldn't hurt if you would make a substantial contribution to my PayPal account, just in case they make these taxes retroactive.

Oh, well. Gotta go now. I have to write 5 letters and enclose a $5 bill in each. Look for yours in the mail.