Understanding Teenagers

Published on March 23, 2006 By Gideon MacLeish In Current Events

Ok, ok, so the title of this blog is misleading. I don't think anyone totally understands teenagers, and mine aren't teenagers yet, so I can't speak with authority, but I think I've figured something out. I can't use my own teenage years for a model because they were so dysfunctional they were hardly typical.

But my oldest daughter is starting to take on the "teenage" traits (the moodiness, the sulking, the distancing herself from her younger siblings from time to time, the establishing of her own identity). I suspect (although it's a suspicion that's likely to garner a lot of flamage from JU's female contingent) that even though she hasn't quite reached that point yet, her body's starting to surge with hormones that are physically preparing her for puberty. She's already quite conscious of her image, and won't change in front of her sisters anymore, either.

And so, I started observing her and realizing a few things that I can draw from the few parts of my teenage years that WEREN'T totally messed up. I believe that during the teenage years, kids need their parents more emotionally than they have since their toddler years. There are so many changes going on and those changes lead to a lot of insecurity. But because they are starting to develop their own sense of identity and independence at the same time, they will not only not solicit such interaction, they will actually be outwardly uncomfortable with it.

While I am a loving dad, I'm not one who usually expresses that as much outwardly. I love my kids and I hope they know it through my actions. I'm coming to grips with the fact that they need a few more hugs to actually express my love than simply actions such as cooking their favorite meals, etc. They need to KNOW I love them, and not have any doubt about it...especially as they go into the teenage years.

The next several years are going to be somewhat rough; I can already see that. My oldest is her daddy's daughter, and I see a lot of traits in her that are not the favorite parts of my personality. Because of that reason alone, we're probably going to have more than our share of conflicts. But it's my hope that by giving her the assurance that I will always love her even if I don't approve of all her choices, we can get through this together.

Or maybe that's not it at all and I need to see a shrink (LOL!)

Comments

Tova7

on Mar 23, 2006

As a teen I didn't have any respect for authority. If you asked me why I woulda said something along the lines of "when I meet an adult I can respect, I will."

My life until that point was full of adults abusing their authority, so I rebelled against ALL authority. But there were kids right along beside me who were rebelling that came from good whole homes. So I think it is natural to some extent.

I personally would find the adults Achilles heel, or something I knew mattered to them, and attack. For example, if I were home schooled like your daughter...well that would start getting attacked. I would complain about it, not do my work, pout, whatever. But it would have to change because it was YOUR idea and not mine. It was something you "willed" upon me and I was not going to be told what to do.

It helps me to remember this somewhat with my son who is already having pangs of pre-teenishness. I try to let him make decisions and have some control over things now, so it will be a habit by the time he's a teen. Then when he rebels I can say, "Whoa! YOU decided, or were part of that decision, so if you want to be upset at someone, be upset with yourself."

Of course, I say that now all calm and not in the moment!HAHAHAHAHAH

Good luck!

Gideon MacLeish

on Mar 23, 2006

We apply a relatively Libertarian philosophy to our household: the rules we enforce are rules that are enforced for a reason, and we're always prepared and willing to defend those reasons.

I do feel sorry for my oldest, though. My wife's adolescent years were nearly as dysfunctional as my own, so she had no positive female role model to help her through what she was dealing with, and as a guy, there are certain parts of her development about which I have NO clue!

Dr Guy

on Mar 23, 2006

Raising Teenagers is like Herding cats. It really is. But from my own experience (4 now), plus growing up with a passle of sisters and a brother, I can tell you it is the change of life that makes them go squirrely. And the best thing to do is what you are doing. Love them all the more.

Girls get bitchy, boys get stupid. That is a simplistic way of looking at it, but fairly accurate. And at some point at the end of their journey (or longer) through adolescense, they wake up and realize how wonderful and smart you are.

And that makes it all worth while.

foreverserenity

on Mar 23, 2006

Nawww, you don't need to see a shrink! You're on the right track and you're 'tuned' in to their needs and changes quite intuitively, which shows me how much of an attentive dad you are, good for you! My oldest is 16 going on 17 and there have been some growing pains. Now she realises some of the things I was talkign to her about (she recently express this to me) and I'm glad for that. But those years are not over, the college years are coming!Wah! Plus my son who is growing in leaps and bounds will be 12 this year too, so my time with teenagers will certainly be in stages. God help me when my 4 year old turns 12!

All you can do is hug them and say I love you once in a while (as a dad that is, since some dads find it hard to do as you say, say how much you love them) and this is true also of my husband. He shows a lot more affection to our youngest because she is still young. And this is no fault of his, it's just the way he grew up too. You're doing alright Gid, keep up the good work!

Tova7

on Mar 23, 2006

We apply a relatively Libertarian philosophy to our household: the rules we enforce are rules that are enforced for a reason, and we're always prepared and willing to defend those reasons.

Yup, sounds logical. Are teens logical?hehe.

Ya know, some teens actually aren't so bad. In my experience, they tend to be the home schooled kids.

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