I'm writing to address a real, urgent problem. One that needs to be addressed right now.
When I was a child, I was victimized by injury from a terrible monstrosity. That's right. A TREE.
Later that week, a drunk driver slammed into a tree and DIED.
In fact, I'd be willing to bet that the number of tree related deaths in America is substantial. Therefore it is our responsibility as Americans to outlaw these denizens of death, these foul plant beings whose very purpose is to endanger our lives.
We should stop at nothing to eliminate these creatures, who are responsible for more deaths than guns, teen suicide, and abortion combined. In fact, as good Christians, it is important for us to remember that TREES KILLED CHRIST, as it was a cross made from the wood of just such a tree that caused the death of our Lord and Saviour. The fact that they have been tolerated so long is a testament to our apostasy (think about it...Satan was just a fruit peddler and he was condemned to be the scourge of mankind, a tree created the instrument of death for Christ and escaped unscathed).
The history of trees is a chilling and evil history, if you look at it. It was in a Trojan Horse made of wood from trees where the Greeks hid in their conquest of Troy. It was in boats made of trees that Europeans in their imperialistic maneuverings conquered foreign lands, killing indigenous peoples and taking their treasures. It was catapults and seige factories made of trees that conquered castles. It was railroads, with crossties made of trees, that united the American continent so that our forebearers could begin their conquest of this country using guns made from...you guessed it, TREES!
It was on the pulp of trees that hate propaganda was descended throughout the centuries. It was on pulp of trees that declarations of war were signed, and death warrants. It was on thrones made of trees that rulers sat contemplating the oppression of the common man.
Trees, clearly, are evil, and are responsible for most of the evils in the world. They must be eliminated at all costs!
Remember, Guns don't kill people...bullets in guns made by TREES kill people!